How to Connect with Someone While Talking Less
Here's a short guide on how someone who hates talking can build a connection with others.
"Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."
- Harry A. Overstreet
Growing up as an introvert, I never had a lot of friends. I was always perceived as someone who hates people because of that. I didn’t like talking to people. And if I did, it doesn’t usually go beyond asking someone what they did. Then minutes of awkward silence.
My Experience
In elementary, I had a couple of friends that I would spend time with. We would visit each other’s homes and play. We would invite each other to parties. We were inseparable. But as soon as we stepped into high school, we lost touch and made new friends.
In high school, I had a set of friends with who I spent my entire high school. We would always spend time together. We were called "Boys at the Back" because we were seated in the last row in the classroom. We had a good 4 years together. But when college came around, we took separate courses and never got to hang out again.
In college, it was worse. I had no friends at all. When I met my girlfriend, her friends became my friends. Outside of that, I’d been alone in the library reading books.
Being an introvert, I've never had a lot of people around me. I was the shy type and usually kept to myself.
I never really had good communication skills. I never developed the social skills necessary to have good conversations.
The Book That Helped Me
It was always hard for me to make friends. I never knew what to say to someone I met for the first time. I hated talked so much that I was comfortable in the awkward silence.
As I slowly matured, I realized I needed to be better at connecting with people. I wanted to learn how to be able to talk to someone and establish a good first impression. I knew that for me to get anywhere in my life, I had to learn how to be a better communicator.
My search led me to the book How to Win Friends and Influence People.
The first time I read it, I felt relief. Realizing that making a connection with someone doesn’t involve complicated strategies - I was excited to try it out!
I’ve used the lessons in the book when I was leading a church group. At that time I had not achieved anything. Yet here I was leading a bunch of highly accomplished individuals.
This article is just a summary of Part 1 of 3 from the book. I would be making Parts 2 & 3 in different articles after this.
So here are the easy principles that can help you make friends and influence people.
Be Emphatic
Avoid criticism. Don't condemn. Stop complaining.
To build better connections, try to understand why people do what they do. Look at things from their perspective. Be in their shoes. That way you will understand the reasons for their behavior.
This puts a focus on them and not on us. It allows us to act not according to how we want, but by how others would feel comfortable.
If you put yourself in their situation and understand the reason for their actions, you'll become a more understanding and forgiving person. People won't be defensive around you because they know that you understand them. They will open up to you. That leads to trust.
Criticisms are futile. It makes a person defensive and strives to justify himself.
What you give will usually come back to you. Criticisms are no different. They are like homing pigeons. They will always return home. The person we are going to condemn will condemn us in return.
Be Appreciative
Sincerely appreciate people.
Everybody likes a compliment. So be generous with it.
Can you recall the times people complimented you? How did it make you feel?
The deepest urge that everyone has is the desire to be important. The feeling that people notice us - appreciate us.
When I was leading a youth group in church, I was tasked with the challenge to develop them to replace our church leaders in the future. It was not an easy task because I wasn't a particularly good leader at that point. It's safe to say I didn't know what I was doing.
But one thing I know was that those kids wanted someone to believe in them. That's what I did. I was hearty in my appreciation. In public, I would talk about things they were good at. I would encourage them every chance I get.
Some of them became the next leaders in our church. I don’t take all the credit but I’m glad I helped mold them.
Focus on building a person up by talking about their good.
We get too consumed about the negatives and controversial. How about the positive and uplifting? Instead of talking about the imperfect, why not talk about the great things about someone?
Be a Facilitator
Talk about what others want. Then show them how to get it.
The world is already full of people obsessed with themselves and what they want. Be a fresh breath of air and sincerely help these people get what they want.
Henry Ford said; "If there is anyone secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."
When we are in a position of power, it's easy to command others to do what we want. This leads to resentment and anger. They may accomplish the task but we have enemies for life.
But arouse in them an eager desire to do something, you'll never have to ask them to do anything again.
To be good at making connections, help them get what they want.
In Conclusion
I still find it difficult to build connections even today. Talking a lot takes so much energy. That's why following the principles above helped me. It allowed me to make a connection with someone while talking less. As an introvert, I embrace that!
If you get one thing from this article, it is this:
Focus on others more than yourself.
If you genuinely follow that, I believe you'll be able to build connections in no time.
I’m just someone trying to help people with my stories, insights, and ideas. Let’s be friends.
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